The Gift of Listening to Each Other

Being heard is so close to being loved that,

for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.

                     David W. Augsburger

 

If there were an easy way to expand the reach of your kindness in the world, would you want to use it?

Listening is a skill that we all use, but most of us need a little guidance on how to do it better. We’re good at listening for information that we need, such as directions to a destination or instructions on how to do something that we need to do. But listening to someone else, to allow them to say what they need to say, takes listening to another level.

As a psychotherapist, Traci Ruble realized that many people in our society feel disconnected from others. They need to feel connected – not fixed or healed but accepted as they are.

In order to provide a way for that connection to happen, Traci and a colleague developed an experiment to create spaces of connection and belonging - on city sidewalks. They recruited others willing to join them, and on May 7, 2015, twenty-eight “listeners” took to the streets of San Francisco. Many of them had to get out of their comfort zones in order to put a chair on a sidewalk with a sign that says, “We’re here to listen.”

That day was so successful that they founded Sidewalk Talk, a community project that creates public spaces where people can connect and find a sense of belonging. Traci says “Sitting out on the street is a radically different kind of listening. It requires a deeper listening and a relational kind of presence.”

The mission at Sidewalk Talk is “to inspire, teach, and practice heart-centered listening to create belonging, justice, and social health.” Listening helps people to open up, to share more, and to connect in an increasingly lonely world.

The project has expanded to 50 cities in 12 countries. Each chapter offers the same invitation, “Hi. Would you like to be listened to?” Listeners return to the same public spaces, week after week “to renew our sense of belonging and connection and stem the growing tide of loneliness.”

Sidewalk Talk is a grass-roots effort built by people in their local communities who wanted to be a part of a global movement. They are creating ongoing communities of listeners, who are trained to listen as equals and equipped with skills to intervene in a crisis.  Their contribution to their communities is beyond measure.  Judging from the people who return to share more, they are having a positive impact.

Most of us are not able or inclined to participate in this kind of a listening project, but we can benefit from simple ideas to improve our own listening skills.

First, we need to ask ourselves why we are listening to someone else. Is it:

• Listening to understand or

• Listening to wait for our turn to respond?

Our intention determines the degree of our attention to what is being said. It also determines the sincerity of our engagement in the conversation.

Conversation can help us to understand each other and to connect in a deeper way. Here are a few ideas that might improve the quality of that connection:

• Give your full attention to what the other person is saying.

• Make eye contact and have supportive body language – arms open not crossed, lean toward them, with an interested facial expression.

• Ask open-ended questions to show your interest and to deepen the connection.

• Let them finish speaking before asking a question, be patient if they need time to gather their thoughts.

• Empathetically repeat back to them the essence of what they said to affirm that you heard them correctly.

• Remember the details and write them down later for possible follow-up conversations.

As a good listener, it is important to make the conversation about them. Avoid the temptation to make it about you. Let your curiosity and a compassionate heart fuel your genuine interest in them. That will provide a safe place for them to be more open with you.

If we all learn to be better listeners, we will build a society that creates better mental health. As Traci Ruble said,

I want us to imagine together that we create a better world where everybody belongs.

Where everybody that needs to be heard, has a story to tell, knows that there’s a listener on the other end of that story.

And I want you to imagine what problems we would solve if we actually created that.

Let’s see what we can do to help bring that world into being.

We wish you joy on your journey.

     Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

 

Click below for more information on:

     The Sidewalk Talk Project

     Video of Traci Ruble’s story  

     Why and How to Become a Better Listener

 

What are your thoughts? Please leave a comment below.

Help us spread the message of kindness. If you know others who might appreciate these ideas, please share below.

We’re grateful that you are on this journey with us.

With love from our hearts to yours,

Pat and Larry