The Many Languages of Love
The Many Languages of Love
All the people you haven’t told you love lately,
tell them and live your days like you mean it.
Hal Sutton
There are many ways that we can express kindness in our relationships.
Gary Chapman is an American pastor and relationship counselor. In his book, “The 5 Love Languages,” he describes what he considers to be the five ways that people express love in a marriage or romantic relationship, and the love language that they need to receive in order to feel loved.
Although he writes about marriage or romantic relationships, we all express love in many other relationships – with family and friends, with co-workers, even in casual encounters with people we don’t know as we go through our daily lives. So, let’s consider how we can expand the way that we express kindness in those relationships as well.
Gary describes the five love languages as:
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Words of affirmation
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Quality time
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Giving and receiving gifts
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Acts of service
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Physical touch
Kindness is love in action. As we consider each love language, let’s consider how we can bring more kindness into the expression of our love.
Words of Affirmation
We all appreciate being acknowledged, not only for something we have done, but just for being who we are. Some people do not need verbal reassurance that they are loved, but for others, words are the language of love.
It is easy to express our love and appreciation in words:
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I love you.
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I appreciate all that you do for me.
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Just being with you makes me happy.
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Thank you for … (be specific, preferably every day)
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You look great.
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I love you exactly as you are.
Words are especially important with children, whose view of themselves is created by the words of the adults in their lives. Thanking them, acknowledging small accomplishments, letting them know that you are glad to have them in your life – all help them to feel loved.
Kindness calls on us to be mindful of the words we speak in all relationships. While uplifting words strengthen our connection, words of criticism or mocking do the opposite.
Quality Time
Quality is the key word here. That means doing something together that gets our full attention.
It can be as simple as:
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eating together while having conversations about the day,
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sharing memories - especially those that make you laugh,
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working on a jigsaw puzzle along with conversation,
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singing or playing musical instruments together.
Quality time with a child would be any enjoyable activity that engages them or helps them to feel empowered. Art projects, for instance, offer the opportunity to express their creativity and to experience the satisfaction of accomplishment.
Quality time means different things to different people.
Larry and I have a daily ritual of sharing time together over our morning coffee and tea. This is our time to talk about what is on our hearts and minds, to support one another, and to share our ideas on our current life journey.
Many families strengthen their bonds by hiking, camping or skiing together – creating good memories to enrich their future relationship. Others go for a walk together after a meal. The key is to engage with one another being fully present, not being distracted by thoughts of what else you could be doing.
Giving and Receiving Gifts
For some people, gifts convey a message that they are loved, and not receiving gifts carries the opposite message. For most women, flowers speak of love. For some, jewelry or special items of clothing are important.
Gifts for a man could be a book on his favorite subject, or an item of clothing that celebrates his favorite sports team. It might be a tool or equipment that would support his hobby or make his work around the house easier.
The monetary value of the gift is not as important as frequency. It takes a little creativity to come up with gifts on a regular basis. Cards or notes expressing appreciation cost little but may have a larger impact, especially if the message is a sincere expression of your love.
Acts of Service
When acts of service are a primary expression of love, we demonstrate our love by our actions and, also by our expression of appreciation for the support we receive. For many people, going to a job and supporting a spouse or a family financially is their primary love language, which is often not acknowledged.
In many homes, each person has chores to attend to every day or every week. These are gifts to one another, but it is so easy to forget to thank each other for their contribution to the running of the household.
A kind gift could be to ask, “What can I do for you?” Sometimes what people need is obvious, and at other times, we have no idea what would be helpful right now. The other side of that coin is to gently ask for the help that would support you most in the moment.
Sometimes acts of service require a lot more from us, such as caregiving over a long period of time. That is a discussion for another post, but I know that such extended acts of service can bring unexpected gifts.
Physical Touch
Romantic partners whose main love language is physical touch will feel loved when they kiss, hug, cuddle, have sex and hold each other after. Each of us place degrees of importance on the different ways of touching. The kind way to understand each other is to discuss your feelings and agree on a practice that meets the needs of both people.
Of course, touch is also important in non-romantic relationships.
It is especially true for children – sitting on someone’s lap and feeling embraced, holding hands when out for a walk, a hug when leaving home or coming back later,
As adults, we still appreciate hugs from family or friends and sometimes we enjoy walking holding hands or with our arms around each other. One expression of our love is reaching out and touching the arm of someone in need – making a physical connection that carries a message of support.
A handshake is a socially acceptable way of having a physical contact in a more formal environment. Although it has become business protocol, it does express our need for connection. Even outside the business context, a handshake is a friendly way of welcoming someone.
We are all different
Part of our kindness journey is to do what we can to understand and support the people in our lives. It is important to learn from them the best ways in which we can express our love to them.
This may mean having some gentle, honest conversations about each other’s needs and preferences – setting ego aside and listening from our hearts. Then we will each have a roadmap to a more fulfilling journey together.
We wish you love and joy on your journey.
